I grew up a perfectionist. Which of course meant that I was never happy with myself because no matter how ‘perfect’ I tried to be in one area of my life, there were many other areas where I was ‘letting myself down’ because I wasn’t focusing enough on that area. For instance, I was a ballerina having studied ballet from 4 years old. I was always good at it but never good enough. I danced, in later years, 4 days a week including weekends, so I never had much time to socialise with my friends outside of school hours so my relationships inside of school hours were lacking. I was more of a loner. Not one of the ‘popular’ kids.
On the one hand this hurt a little and I wished I could be included more but on the other hand I was driven toward my goal of dancing with the Australian Ballet Company one day so I saw my social life as a sacrifice worth making.
Every year the examiner from the Royal Academy of Dance in London would come to Melbourne to conduct our examinations. And every year I would receive the marks of 95, 97, 98 out of 100. But it was never ‘perfect’, so I was never really happy.
One year, I broke my arm the day before the yearly examination, but I knew that if I did not attend the exam, I would have to wait an entire year for the examiner to return and that would mean that I would not advance with my class. So, I refused to go to the hospital until after the examination the following day which meant that I danced with a broken arm after which I went directly to the hospital, and they set my arm in plaster.
Two weeks later I received the exam mark of 92 out of 100. The lowest I had ever achieved, and I was devastated! Of course, my teachers and family were all amazed and supportive and declared that I should have been “so proud of myself” but I was so not, because my perfectionist mindset had things all wrong.
You see, if I had achieved my usual marks or even 99 or 100 out of 100, nothing would have changed. I would still have been at the top of my class and in years to come no one would have ever asked what my marks were in that year. It would not have made any difference in the larger scheme of things. And yet I was so upset as if my future depended on it.
Years later, looking back, I realised that the lessons I learned through that experience were far more valuable than a perfect number on a certificate could ever have been. I began to appreciate that breaking my arm the day before the exam had provided me with an opportunity to rise above the pain, focus on the goal and keep going no matter what until the task was done. It created the setting where I could practice the skills, resilience and grit that I would need, in good measure, years later when life really took a turn down a road less travelled and for that I am incredibly grateful.
At the time I thought it was the end of the world but later I realised that life had given me a gift. That in my brokenness, strength was being honed that would equip me later in life when things really did matter.
Dancing a near perfect score year after year never really gave me strength of character, resilience and determination nor did it help develop compassion, understanding and tolerance for myself and others. But looking back, those things were increased whenever life didn’t go according to plan. Each time I received a new battle scar, in my brokenness, those virtues increased, I realised the value in those experiences and I liked my self a little more.
This concept of beauty and immense value in brokenness is reflected in the ancient Japanese art of kintsugi, which is the art of repairing broken pottery with gold or silver lacquer. The cracks become part of the piece’s history, enhancing its beauty rather than hiding its imperfections. This is a beautiful metaphor for how we should embrace our own flaws, not as weaknesses, but as elements that add to our uniqueness and value.
People travel miles to stand before the impressive, gnarly, centuries old trees and marvel at their resilience and wonder the ‘times’ and events in world history that they have endured. Antique and vintage items are revered precisely because of their age and imperfections, symbolizing wisdom, character, and timelessness. Similarly, our imperfections tell our unique story—one that is deeply personal yet universal in its message of growth, healing, and transformation.
Perfection is an impossible ideal and striving for it can lead to stress and disappointment. Instead, embracing our imperfections allows us to live more authentically, connect more deeply with others, and cultivate self-compassion, psychological safety and a greater sense of HOPE.
Further Reading:
Perfectionism and Mental Health:
Smith, M. M., Sherry, S. B., Chen, S., Saklofske, D. H., & Mushquash, C. (2016). Perfectionism and narcissism: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Research in Personality, 64, 90-101.
o This article reviews the association between perfectionism and negative psychological outcomes, including stress and low self-esteem.
Resilience and Growth Through Adversity:
Tedeschi, R. G., & Calhoun, L. G. (2004). Posttraumatic growth: Conceptual foundations and empirical evidence. Psychological Inquiry, 15(1), 1-18.
o This foundational article on post-traumatic growth explains how adversity and setbacks contribute to personal development, resilience, and the cultivation of virtues such as compassion and tolerance.
The Role of Self-Compassion in Coping with Imperfection:
Neff, K. D. (2003). The development and validation of a scale to measure self-compassion. Self and Identity, 2(3), 223-250.
o This research explores how self-compassion can help individuals embrace imperfections, reduce self-criticism, and promote emotional well-being.
The Dangers of Striving for Perfection:
Curran, T., & Hill, A. P. (2019). Perfectionism is increasing over time: A meta-analysis of birth cohort differences from 1989 to 2016. Psychological Bulletin, 145(4), 410-429.
o This meta-analysis reveals that societal pressures for perfectionism are increasing, and how this perfectionism can lead to negative mental health outcomes.
The Psychological Benefits of Embracing Imperfections:
Brown, B. (2006). Shame resilience theory: A grounded theory study on women and shame. Families in Society: The Journal of Contemporary Social Services, 87(1), 43-52.
o Brené Brown’s work on shame and resilience discusses the power of vulnerability and imperfection, highlighting how embracing flaws builds connection and authenticity.